What’s Wrong With Me – Part 1

Have you ever had a moment where you realize something you should have realized before you opened your big mouth over 25 years ago? I have. Today! March 9, 2018.

Some background:

Circa 1991, we hung out with a guy, I’ll call him Fred, who would try to hit on all the girls, all the time. Today, he would go to jail for harassment and stalking, but it was the 90’s, and the fact that he was creepy and unstable in a scary way, we kept him at arm’s length; nice guy, but you never knew what might happen. He was a friend of friends, and they were always around, so we were never alone with him; which made it easier to deal with him.

Fred would, on several occasions, bluntly ask me to marry him. Out of nowhere! We would be in the middle of an unrelated conversation, and he would blurt out: “Marry me.”

Being an NY Rangers fans, I would joke that if he could rent the ice at Madison Square Garden, I might marry himWe would both have a good laugh and go on our merry way.

Then, one night, while at a local club, Fred would not leave me alone and the “marry me” nonsense was brought up again. Being annoyed, and my sarcastic, acerbic self, I explained to him that if he could give me what Trent Reznor asks for in the Nine Inch Nails’ song, “Ringfinger,” I would marry him. With a serious, straight face, I recited these verses to him:

A promise carved in stone
Its deeper than the sea
Sever flesh and bone
And offer it to me


A promise carved in stone
Deeper than the sea
Devils flesh and bone
Do something for me.”

Apparently, I was too nice to tell him to just go away; but not so nice that I wouldn’t ask for a body part.
That was the last time he asked me to marry him.

Cut to today:

I listened to Nine Inch Nails’ Pretty Hate Machine on the commute to work like I have done a thousand times over the years. “Ringfinger” is one of my favorite songs in the world so of course, it’s on repeat. (What’s not to love about a guy that is so pissed in his one-sided relationship, that, having had enough, asks for a body part as commitment?)

So, I’m listening to it this morning, and something I should have thought of over 25 years ago, occurred to me. What if Fred had done it? What if that lunatic severed his fucking finger and offered it to me?????

The thought that he could have even contemplated giving me his ring finger never crossed my mind. It should have. We knew he was a bit unstable. But it didn’t.

Then I thought; what would I have done if he did? Would I have married him? How could I have said no to a 9 fingered Fred?

Then I thought: why did it take me over 25 years to even realize that there was a possibility he could have called my bluff.

Then I started laughing because this is a typical “me” story. I should just post it in the “About” section on this blog.

There really isn’t a point to any of this, except WTF is wrong with me! One of my all-time favorite songs is about the singer asking for a finger, not a ring, and I used it to make a crazy person stop harassing me.

Which then led me to wonder why, if I love all this dark shit, does every story I write turn into happy, sappy, Chick Lit? Then I got to work and had to email my friend Jodie and text my friend Ed to tell them all this.

Ed’s only reply was: “he’s the guy that would do that sort thing too.”

Jodie just said, “the crazy shit that pops into your head.”

My friends are so supportive, I can’t even! 🙂

And, she was right. Crazy shit pops into my head on a regular basis. This time, it gave me a really great idea for a stalker horror story. Now hopefully it won’t turn into a romance.

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