Last weekend, a friend from out of town was visiting. Prior to her visit, we had been discussing all the awesome things we would do during her stay: a night on the town, dancing, drinking, debauchery, bloodshed, regrets the following morning! But, as usual, we ended up sitting in a Starbucks discussing all the things we could have been doing but weren’t because we hate people.
We decided to make the night even more pathetic by ordering all six of the new Frappuccino flavors to conduct our own taste.***
(You know the ones, the customer favorites that are really part of their not so “secret” menu.)
We walked up the counter, ready to order, but neither one of us could remember the flavors. We scanned the menu but they were nowhere to be found. We asked the barista if they had the new flavors and why they weren’t listed anywhere.
“It’s the secret menu, you dumb ass.” She didn’t actually call us dumb-asses but by the look on her face she REALLY wanted to.
We ordered a mini size of each and asked for extra cups. We may have been pathetic but we weren’t stupid. There was no way we were going to drink six Frappuccino’s each.
We lined them up, snapped a picture and proceeded in amusing ourselves.
Cotton Candy – Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, Raspberry Sauce, Milk and Ice:
Tastes like childhood. Or adulthood if you still believe Unicorns exists. Way too sweet but oh so good.
Cinnamon Roll – Cinnamon Dolce Syrup, Coffee, White Chocolate Mocha Sauce, Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, Milk and Ice:
We don’t know who named this one but they need to have their taste buds checked. This did not taste like a cinnamon roll. It was much closer to a snicker-doodle.
A little Vodka would have brought this to a new level of deliciousness.
Must petition Starbucks to add Vodka to their menu.
Lemon Ice – Lemonade, Vanilla Syrup, Milk and Ice:
No. Just No.
There is no universe in existence where lemonade and milk should be combined. This was just funky. All the Vodka in the world couldn’t save this. Whoever thought up this combination should never be allowed near a Frappuccino again.
Even our straws were Funkified™ by this abomination. After a straw change and a huge chug of water, we continued.
Red Velvet – Mocha Sauce, Raspberry Syrup, Frappuccino Chips, Vanilla Syrup, Milk and Ice:
Tastes like stale, cheap chocolate that you buy at the drugstore; the kind that leaves a nasty aftertaste. This tastes, like the way I felt, after watching Black Swan.
Had to change the Funkified™ straws for a second time.
Birthday Cake, Cupcake, some kind of cake – Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, Hazelnut Syrup, Milk and Ice:
Tastes like all the contents of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory tossed into a blender. Including Willy Wonka.
Caramel Cocoa Cluster – Toffee Nut Syrup, Coffee, Milk, Ice and Dark Caramel Sauce:
Diabetes in a Frappuccino disguise. YUM!
When we were done, we poured what we couldn’t drink into one cup. Then, because we’re Mensa material, we tasted that. And, apparently we’re twelve years old.
There was no pinpointing an exact taste, but if I had to describe it, it tasted like ‘sitting in a Starbucks on a Saturday night because I have no life’ with a hint of chocolate.
To prove we actually tasted each one, we snapped a picture of the all the empty cups and Funkified™ straws.
Unfortunately, we did not get a picture of us holding our tummy’s in agony afterwards.
***Prior to Starbucks, we took our badass-selves to the tattoo parlor to get matching tattoos. Stay Gold, Mother F-ers! Minus the Mother F-ers part. Did I mention WE ARE BADASS!